Entry 22:

Whoa. I got a letter? I got a letter. Well I'll be a crazyperson. Apparently a reader got a kick out of my entry about supermarket fun (see Entry 13 - If I could find it, I'm sure you can), and sent in his own suggestions for having fun at the expense of others on an otherwise boring trip to the grocery store:

1: take a mask, and put it on when you're face down in the freezer section and wait for a small child/old lady to come close before revealing yourself. many a frozen pea has been thrown into the air as a result of this prank.

2: go to toothpastes, find a lady(cos they usually don't punch you) and state that you're a first time buyer, and don't know which brand to choose. when they advise you, ask if you can smell their breath, then fall over, and pick a different brand. causes great offence/embarrassment.

3: pretend you're on a 'trolley dash'. 99% of customers will get out of your way if you run madly round a supermarket filling your trolley with anything. most will start following you in the hope of being on tv/in the newspaper. at worst you can expect to be barred from the supermarket, so best not make it your local.

Goddamn, why didn't I think of these? These are great! You see, if I can get through to just one person, I'm doing a good job. Just recently the local supermarket installed automatic coupon dispensers. Hot dang, those are fun. I went up to the first one I came to and took a coupon. Zweep! The little light blinks, and out pops another one. Zweep, zweep, zweep, zweep, zweep, I took five more, and didn't stop there! I was curious now how many the thing could hold. Did a duct lead through the shelf, down under the floor, up a pillar into the ceiling where a massive hopper held millions upon millions of them? Or were there only a mere handful in the device?

I'd counted one-hundred and twenty-seven when I heard a subtle clearing of the throat behind me.
"Excuse me, Sir, but do you really need all those coupons?" said a supermarket attendant who was bigger than his suit.
"Uh, yes," I replied quickly. "I need a lot of... uh... wart cream. Yeah. I've got this huge one on my back wanna see i-"
"No thankyou, Sir. So you're going to buy (he did a quick count) one-hundred and twenty-seven tubes of wart cream, then?"
"You bet. Not all at once, you understand."
"These coupons expire in five days."
"Well, I'll get a couple now, and the rest in... five days. K?"
The man eyed me suspiciously, then waddled off, not altogether sure if he was satisfied or not. As soon as he was out of sight (that was quite a way) I stashed the coupons behind a convenient box of cereal and went on my way.


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